


I need you, Evan Hansen.

by kingkylo



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Death, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, somewhat happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-27 23:02:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16229123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingkylo/pseuds/kingkylo
Summary: ---Evan Hansen believes he fucked up and decides to try to fix it; by trying to disappear from the world. TW: SUICIDE ATTEMPT---"So here he was, back at the forest where it happened. Coincidentally, the same forest where he climbed a tree and the branches cracked underneath him. Maybe it was fate. All the things he fucked up took place in this forest. But maybe, just maybe, this time he would actually succeed. Five, ten minutes passed as he pushed his way through the trees, sticks scratching at his freckled skin until he finally came to a stop. The tree before him was tall, reaching to the sky, looking as if it would never stop growing until it broke through the atmosphere and into the vast emptiness of space. It was perfect."





	I need you, Evan Hansen.

**Author's Note:**

> please don't read if you get triggered easily because this revolves around a suicide attempt. 
> 
> I'm aware the ending isn't the most realistic, but I needed to get this out of my system. 
> 
> Again, please, please do not read if suicide or anything similar triggers you because your health is more important than some more 
> 
> views.

_Stupidstupidstupidstupid._ You’re so stupid, Evan. Of course, you had to ruin this. Ruin the one thing that makes you happy, the one fucking thing that he looks forward to every day, the reason he’s pretty sure he’s still breathing and the reason he wakes up every day. Dear Evan Hansen, you are so stupid. He fists his hair angrily, pulling at the short strands. The pain is sharp, and for a fleeting moment he thinks it outweighs the dull emptiness in his chest, but then it comes flooding back and it’s too much. Way too much. He collapses against the wall, sliding down until he touches the ground and curls in on himself. He’s home alone, but the silence is loud, so fucking loud and it rings in his ears, pounding against his skull.

“ _Fuck_!” He snarls to himself and slams a fist against the floor, pain reverberating through his knuckles. His legs are weak and he’s sure his knees will give way beneath him if he stands but, fuck, he needs to get out of his tiny, empty, quiet house. Maybe he’s overreacting, but he can’t breathe. His chest is tight and his ribs feel like they’re crushing against his lungs, restricting his breath. Evan pushes himself off the ground, wobbling slightly before grabbing for the door and slipping down the stairs and out his house, loudly slamming the door behind him. It rattles unsteadily and then he’s running. Running far away, not sure to where, but running.His feet slap against the concrete, muscles burning as he pushes himself forward and suddenly he’s in front of a forest. The acid in his stomach burns and he feels bile crawling it’s way up his throat. He swallows, grimacing at the taste before turning back towards the trees. They’re huge, looming menacingly over him, taunting him.

_Evan, bet you can’t climb me. Evan. Stupid, pathetic, unimportant Evan Hansen._

 

“Shut up.” He whispers, tightening his fists.

 

_Running away like you always do. Ruining every good thing in your life._

 

 _“_ Shut up.” He repeats, louder, dull nails digging into his palms.

 

_Come climb me, climb all the way to the top. Maybe you won’t fail this time._

 

“SHUT UP!” He screams, the noise echoing throughout the empty forest. He claws at his head before his legs start moving on their own accord. He’s making his way towards the forest, branches snapping underfoot and leaves brushing his arms. The trees mock him, their silent laughs closing in. Evan shakes his head, wrapping a hand against his once casted arm. It feels bare, raw, unprotected without the cast. He feels broken without the weight of the plaster pressing against his skin, and feels lonely without the reminder of Connor. He misses the thick, black letters scrawled crookedly on the material. He used to trace his fingers over them, he used to smile down at it because Connor Murphy signed his cast. Connor Murphy, the social outcast, the kid with anger problems, but also the kid that Evan had come to grow fond of. His heart would beat furiously in his chest when they ate lunch together. His palms would sweat and he would rub them against his pants until they were red. He remembers staring at Connor, the sun weaving throughout his dark hair, casting sharp shadows against his face. He remembers reaching out and pushing a strand of that hair behind the slightly too big ears, fingertips brushing against his warm skin. Remembers leaning in, not enough for them to kiss, but his hand was cupped around his jaw and their noses brushing.

But he also remembers the steely look Connor gave him, the hard crease between his brows and the thin line of his lips. And then he was running away. He had pushed himself off the ground, mumbling out an “I’m sorry” before turning around and bolting. His legs had burnt like they do now, blood pumping heavily through them. He didn’t stop until he got home. Didn’t stop until he was up the stairs and in his room, screaming out in frustration until his throat hurt and his eyes were puffy. His fingers wouldn’t stop shaking, they never really did, and it was frustrating while he typed out a text.

 

_I’m sorry, Connor. I shouldn’t have done that. You won’t have to hear from me again, I’m sorry I ruined this. I’m sorry._

 

He shut his phone off after that, throwing it onto his bed and not looking at it again.

So here he was, back at the forest where it happened. Coincidentally, the same forest where he climbed a tree and the branches cracked underneath him. Maybe it was fate. All the things he fucked up took place in this forest. But maybe, just maybe, this time he would actually succeed. Five, ten minutes passed as he pushed his way through the trees, sticks scratching at his freckled skin until he finally came to a stop. The tree before him was tall, reachingto the sky, looking as if it would never stop growing until it broke through the atmosphere and into the vast emptiness of space. It was perfect. He began at the base, sneakers slipping on the rough bark, shaky hands wrapping around branches. Branch after branch after branch. He didn’t stop, didn’t stop until his foot slipped and dangled off the edge. His heart stuttered and he grappled at the tree before he regained his footing. By now, Evan figured he was a good 20 feet up, but his gut twisted at the memory of last time.

He needed to go higher. As high as he could, until he could scrape the surface of the moon with his nails, so when he let go, there wouldn’t be any worry about waking up. A slight breeze ruffled the leaves, blowing over his skin, causing him to shiver, the hair standing up on his arms. A crack echoed off in the distance, loud for a split second, and then it was silent again. He scrambled further up, palms stinging as his hands grew sweaty. Evans gaze zeroed in on a thick limb extending pretty far and he settled down on it, legs hooked together as he straddled the branch. He scooted closer towards the edge, the branch dipping down with his weight and he closed his eyes. He didn’t want his last few moments alive to be red with anger, so he willed his heart to stop pounding so aggressively and he pressed his palms flat against the tree. Images of Connor flashed behind his lids. Connor laughing, Connor smiling, Connor with his eyebrows drawn in as he concentrates on school work. Connor’s dark hair hanging in front of his eyes, swooping against his neck and shoulders. Deep brown eyes that pull Evan in in in until he’s drowning in the soft gaze of Connor. He feels tears prick at the corner of his eyes and he might as well cry, right? The tears quietly roll down his cheek and drop off his chin, landing on the bark, staining it.

“I’m sorry, Connor. I’m sorry.” His voice breaks, and he hunches forward, pressing his forehead against the branch. Why is he stalling? He needs to jump. He’s going crazy, his mind is playing tricks on him because he can hear Connor. It sounds so real, so genuine. He’s calling out his name,each ‘Evan’ clouded thick with worry. He sounds scared, like he cares, like he doesn’t want Evan do die and it’s too much.

 

“Stop it! Shut up, shut up _please.”_ He cried out desperately, curling his hands over his ears. “You aren’t real. This is just my imagination.” A sob rocked throughout Evan’s body, and he wanted to curl his knees up to his chest, but if he did, he’d fall and he wanted to be in control of when that would happen. He squeezed his eyes tightly, gritting his teeth until his jaw stung from the pressure. If it was even possible, Evan swore he felt the tree vibrate underneath him, like something was shaking it from its roots. Hands still clutching his ears, his eyes cracked open and he looked down. There was a figure reaching up towards him, and he squinted, adjusting his gaze through the dim light.

“Evan! Please, come down.” The figure’s voice cracked, and that’s when he recognized it. It was Connor. Jesus, his brain and conjured up an actual figure? He needed to end this, now.

 

“You aren’t real!” Evan leant downwards over the edge of the branch, the words harshly falling out of his mouth.

 

“Yes I am!” The Connor Resembling figure screamed back at him, voice wavering.

 

“No! Connor wouldn’t come after me. He hates me. And I’m not surprised by it, I would hate myself too. I already do.” Evan couldn’t stop. He wanted to shut up, but his lips kept moving. His body shifted on the tree and suddenly he was falling. It happened as sudden and quick as it had last time. Branches snapped with the force of his body moving downwards, scraping the skin on his bare arms. It was painful, sure, but he wasn’t focused on that. He was going to die. He was falling and his body was going to be crumpled and broken on the forest floor and nobody was going to find him. Sharp ringing split through his head and he shut his eyes as the wind whirled around him. There was a brief moment of silence and then he felt the impact of the ground. It travelled through his body, knocking all the air out of his lungs, and he could feel a bone or two crack. His eyes remained closed and he lay still on the ground.

 

Is this death? Is he dead?

 

 

No. There was a rustling sound and suddenly a warm hand was gripping his arm, frantically shaking him. A thin stretch of pain rocketed through his body and he cried out in agony, trying to curl in on himself. But when he tried to move, more pain shot through his broken body and he cried out again. His head throbbed, his arms felt crumpled and he could barely breath. The warm hand on his arm moved up to his face and cradled his cheek.

 

“Evan!”

 

He stirred, brows furrowing at the voice. Connor?

 

“Evan! You fucking idiot, wake the fuck up. Jesus Christ, you better be fucking alive. Stop this.” Connor sounded terrified out of his mind, the words thick and heavy. There was a silence and Evan tried to open his eyes, but his body wouldn’t comply. He struggled against the invisible ropes tying him down, pushing, pulling, tearing at them with all the strength he had in his body. Noise wavered in and out and Connor was crying. Evan could hear him. He was sniffling, screaming through what Evan assumed was gritted teeth.

 

“Wake up. Evan, please. Please don’t leave me.” His voice broke, overcome with heavy sobs. “I need you. I _fucking need_ you, Evan Hansen.“ That stirred something in Evan and he willed his body to calm down, despite the darkness and the horrible pain he was feeling.

 

Connor kept talking.

“I can’t live without you. I—“ Connor stopped to let another heavy sob rip through his chest. “I love you.”

 

And then Evan opened his eyes. It was dark, not as dark as when his lids were screwed shut but dark, and it took a moment to adjust. The more his eyes got used to the darkness, the more he could make out. At first it was just a hazy shape, which turned into an outline of someone hunched over, which sharpened into Connor. It was hard to make out, but he could see his face, just barely. His skin was blotchy and pink, tear tracks visible, constantly renewed as he was still crying. His lips were red and shiny, clear aftermath of being bitten and chewed on. Connor looked scared, heartbroken, possibly a bit angry. It broken Evan’s heart, shattered it into thousands of pieces. Of course, he’s the cause of Connor’s pain, why wouldn’t he be? He hurts everyone, disappoints everyone.

“Leave me.” Evan manages to croak out, barely even a whisper. Connor stills above him and Evan can feel him start to shake.

 

“No. No, what the fuck Evan.” Connor presses both palms against Evan’s cheeks, crouching down and Evan can feel Connor’s tears drip onto his own cheeks.

 

“Why am I not dead?” Evan mumbles, trying to shift out of Connor’s grip, but he’s too weak, he can barely speak those words because even breathing is a task that makes his body want to crumble into small pieces until there’s nothing left.

 

“You…what?” Connor breathes shakily and his hair falls in front of his face, framing them under a thin curtain of Connor, and Evan can smell him and his heart stirs.

 

“I was so high..why didn’t I—“ Evan breaks off with a heavy groan because his body is finally waking up to the pain and his arm is broken. Again. And maybe his left leg is too, or maybe just a fracture. He’s not sure.

 

“What? You were barely 10 feet up.” Connor whispers, tightening his lips.

 

“What? No. No. I was…I was at the top of the tree.” Evan struggles to sit back up. “I need to try again.”

 

That shakes Connor to the core.

 

“No. Stay down. The ambulance will be here soon.”

 

“You called an ambulance?” Evan is hurting.Even more than before. “I…why?” He wants to cry. Cry until his eyes are too puffy to stay open and cry until his throat hurts and cheeks are raw and sticky.

 

“Because you tried to fucking kill yourself, breaking your arm in the process, Evan.” Connor snaps, tears still streaming down his face, and how? How can he still be crying over Evan? Something breaks inside of Evan, and he's suddenly apologizing, lips moving so fast that he can't even register that it's him doing the talking. 

 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Connor. I never should've done that earlier. I got carried away, I'm sorry." 

 

He searches Connor's face, and reaches up with his non-broken arm, pausing mid-air. _Stupid._ He lets his arm fall back to the ground, not even wincing at the dull snap it makes against the ground. 

 

"Don't apologize. Don't ever apologize. I love you no matter what." 

 

Evan freezes. He thought he was making it up, thought it was just something delusional he created in his mind, but no. Connor...loves him? Evan blinked and blinked and blinked before opening his mouth. 

 

"Love...me?" Evan can't speak, his voice doesn't sound like it belongs to him. It sounds foreign, different, like a stranger is trying to copy him, but not succeeding. 

 

"Yes. So much. So fucking much, Evan. I don't think--no, I know for a fact that if you had never talking to me that day, I wouldn't be alive." Connor leans down, pressing his slimy lips against Evan's cheek. His mouth is trembling as he pulls away. Those words shoot through Evan's heart and he lets it sink in. He saved, no, he indirectly saved Connor's life. Evan takes a deep breath and runs his fingers through the knotted hair brushing against Connor's shoulder. It's less soft than he would've thought, the course strands rubbing his fingertips. He whispers back, I love you, and he feels Connor smile and tighten his hold on Evan, lips curling on the hot skin of Evan's cheek.

There's a distant sound of sirens, and Evan is crying again, sobbing out apologies and incoherent words that he hopes Connor will understand. He grips tightly onto the sleeve of Connor's hoodie and people come barreling through the woods, hauling Evan on an uncomfortable stretcher. Evan tries to smile at Connor because he's now holding his hand and pushing through the protests of the medical aids where he settles down in the back of the truck. They stare at each other the entire ride, not once breaking eye contact and sure, Evan still wishes he had succeeded, still wishes that Connor had just been a minute late but it is over now. The pain is still there, he knows it always will be, but in the moment, then swelling of his heart is numbing him and hes grateful. When they pull him into the surgery room, he fades away into sleep, Connor's words echoing through his mind. 

 

_"I need you, Evan Hansen."_


End file.
